Siberian Tiger Theater presents:

CHEESE POLICE

by Alfia Wallace with the help of:

Deanna Beaman as Chiquita Cheddar

Dylan Bondy as Mario Pizzarello

Jennifer Katz as The Ravioli Raven

Jerry Katz as The Mozzarella Monster

Zachary Schilling as Gary Gouda

Alfred Wallace as Officer James Brie

Andrew Wallace as Dr. Arman Parmesian

Nicholas Whitehead as Officer Rocky Roquefort, Stilton S.W.A.T. Team

Art Wallace as Narrator/Scott Swisscheese

Alfia Wallace as Candy Cowley

ACT I

[Curtain closed. Lights dimmed.]

Narrator: The sun sets over the city of San Rafael like a great golden wheel of Gouda. There are a million cheeses in this town and a million cheese lovers. None of the stories we will tell you tonight are true, but the characters’ names have been changed to protect the cheesy.

[Curtain opens to dimmed Cheese Police office. Backdrop of Mt. Tam and Civic Center out the window. Police office with bulletin board of cheese crimes, pics. Cheese paraphernalia everywhere. Wanted posters. Officer Brie sitting, Officer Roquefort standing.]

Narrator: As the dawn lights the sky beyond Mount Tam like a fan of melting mozzarella fingers, a new day begins for … [musical flourish – Dragnet]

All:(except those on stage): SAN RAFAEL CHEESE POLICE!

Brie: This is the city. San Rafael, California. I work here... I'm a cop. A cheese cop. The name’s Brie, James Brie. Grated, not sliced. Specialties: cheesenapping and fraud, domestic cheese abuse.

Rocky: And I’m Rocky, that’s Officer Rocky Roquefort to you. First lieutenant, Stilton S.W.A.T. team. (brandishes sword and then salutes) Specialties: triple-cheesiness and crimes against cheese.

[Officers go about their work in the office. Cheese liberationist protesters offstage chanting. ]

Protesters: (offstage) FREE THE CHEESE! FREE THE CHEESE! Do not wrap cheese in plastic – it can’t breathe. You’re KILLING the cheese! FREE THE CHEESE! FREE THE CHEESE! Do not wrap cheese in plastic – it can’t breathe. You’re KILLING the cheese! (continues in a whisper)

Rocky: Just wait – we think we have it good here, but it’s only a matter of time before the cheeso-terrorists start infiltrating Marin. You heard about the Napa cheese-packing plant that got grated up last month. It’s only a matter of time.. (shakes head)

Brie:I worry more about the Cheesaholics and the scum who prey on them. These large-scale cheese scams are only getting worse. Monterey Jack and his gang aren’t the only ones looking to exploit the gorgonzola glut.

Rocky: Oh, come on! You’re making a big deal over nothing. There are plenty of healthy-minded cheese enthusiasts out there. They enjoy cheese and don't have a problem with it. We just have to deal with all the freaks. Let’s order a pizza from Pizzarello’s.

Brie: Let's.

Brie: (yells out window at protesters) Hey, why don't you guys go find a Cheesaholics Anonymous meeting?!

[Roquefort calls up for an extra large cheese pizza. They return to their work. The bell rings. It’s Chiquita, the pizza delivery girl. She is wearing a frilly little skirt and a little hat a la '50s drive-in roller-waitresses.]

Chiquita: (singing, to the audience) I'm a Chiquita with a pizza and I'm here to say, that cheese has got to ripen in a natural way! So you should never add polystyrene to your precious curdlets, no-no-no, no-no-no!" (performs twice - smiles and curtsies to audience, offers pizza with a flourish)

Brie: Everyone's an activist. Just put the pizza here, sweetheart. Here you go. (Hands her money) Keep the change.

Chiquita: Oh, thank you, thank you! (officers dig into the pizza and Chiquita bursts into song and dance) Oh, I'm called little pizza girl, dear little pizza girl, though I could never tell why. But still I'm called pizza girl, sweet little pizza girl, dear little pizza girl,

I !"

Rocky: Hey, there's something funky about this pizza!

Brie: You're telling me! Hey, Pizza girl!

Chiquita: The name's Chiquita Cheddar and I'm gonna be a big star!

Brie: Sure, sure, whatever. Hey, what's wrong with this pizza? It tastes like it ripened in an unnatural way. Weird texture too.

Rocky: It tastes bad. Like a bad boursin with the life sucked out of it. Where's the usual mozzarella?

Chiquita: (shocked) My stars, boys! I'd better tell Mario!

Rocky: Yeah, get this weird pizza out of here.

Brie: Wait! I think we'd better take a sample down to Dr. Parmesian in cheese forensics. There's something cheesy going on here.

[Dramatic music flourish as all three look at the audience. Curtain closes.]

ACT II

[Mario's Pizzeria. Mario is talking on the phone to his cheese contacts. Gary Gouda is making the pizza and tossing it. Sprinkles pizza. Chiquita rushes in, breathless and tugs at Mario's sleeves trying to get him off the phone.]

Mario: (on the phone) I don't care if buffalo mozzarella is only pennies more per ounce, what's wrong with local cow mozzarella?! Buffalos in Berkeley?! Hey, I gotta go - the pizza girl is freaking out. (hangs up phone) Chiquita, Chiquita, quit going bananas! What's the matter?!

Chiquita: (hysterical) Mario, Mario - there's something wrong with that new cheese! The cheese police just ordered a pizza and they said it's nasty and there's something wrong with it and they're sending a sample to the lab…

Mario: (interrupts her, tries to calm her): Ok, ok, Chiquita, calm down, calm down. (calls to Gary) Ao, Gary! (no response) Gary! Gary Gouda! I'm tawkin' ta you! Stop making the pizza! There's something wrong with that new cheese. (Chiquita answers the phone, silently mouths an animated conversation and takes notes.)

GG: (keeps making pizza) Naw, boss, there's nothing wrong with this pizza. This is good stuff! All natural - naturally aged, no plastic wrap..

Mario: (with a threatening gesture) Listen, Gary - I hired you because you're my sister-in-law's nephew's step-brother, not because I like you. Now if I find out that you're one of those crack-pot cheese-liberationists…

GG: (stops working) No, no, no, no, no. Mario! You got me all wrong! I mean, I respect cheese. I'm no cheesaholic.

Mario: (gives a wary look): Hmph. My uncle's best friend's sister's cousin was a cheesaholic and lemme tell you, that's no fun. Thought everyone she met was a cheesaholic too. "Oh yeah, you think you can only eat one slice!" Blah, blah, blah! Always talking about giving it up for the biggest cheese of them all. What a weirdo.

GG: No, boss, no way. There's no such thing as a cheese problem. There are just people with problems who eat cheese.

Mario: Right, but what we gonna do about this funky cheese. I don't want it messing up my business! I worked so hard and so long to make this great pizza empire!!! (musical intro. to "Pop Goes the Pizza")

Ten years I came from Si-ci-ly,

With nothing in my pockets,

I worked all day and into the night

Pop goes the profits!

A pizza parlor in Plainview

Another in New Haven

Then across to Frisco I flew

Pop goes the Gaining!

A make a pizza in San Rafael

For all the folks to eats - a,

They love the taste, they love the smell,

Pop goes the pizza!

So you see, I don't want to lose my good reputation. A man is only as good as his reputation. Lemme come back there!

GG: Uh - that's not necessary, boss. Uh, everything's ok. Hey, wait a second.

Mario: Hey, what the heck is going on!…

Chiquita: (hanging up) That was the Cheese Police and they're on their way over here. We better stop delivering right now!

Mario: But what about that order that just went out to my mother-in-law's hairdresser's niece?!!! (All hold faces with open mouths in "Home Alone" expression. Curtain closes.)

ACT III

[Ravioli Raven's hideout. Sign- Tonight: Cheesaholics Anonymous. Visitors sitting around in a circle. RR stands up.]

MM: (on a chair) Welcome. Do you come home with cheese on your breath? Are you ashamed to admit you eat cheese? Do you hide cheese? When you cut the cheese, do you keep it all for yourself, or do you share? Has cheese taken over your life? You may be a cheeseaholic. Denial is the first sign. Our twelve slice, individually wrapped sessions, combined with a recognition of the biggest cheese of all, will give you the strength to control your urges. When you admit your cheesiness, you will be able to control your urges more.

RR: (standing) Hi, my name is Raven.

All: Hi Raven.

RR: Some call me "Ravioli Raven"

All: Hi "Ravioli Raven."

RR: I'm originally from Wisconsin.

All: Ohhhhhhh.

RR: My first cheese was in the toasted cheese sandwiches my mom would make. Then it was macaroni and cheese. (Others nod their heads at everything she says). In high school I got into the hard stuff: swiss and cheddar. (starts to weep) I didn't know how dangerous it could be! The cheese kept getter older and older. First it was 2 year old cheddar, then 5 year old cheddar. In college my boyfriend turned me on to soft cheeses. I started with brie and moved onto camembert. I didn't know it was a gateway cheese! Then at a cheese party I discovered fondue. I would go from one fondue party to another. I’d even bring my own fondue fork with me! (knocking starts) I started huffing Cheese Whiz. One day I woke up at a 7-11 with my head under a nacho cheese dispenser and I knew I had hit rock bottom. (loud knocks)

RR: Who is that?! (to MM) Go see who that is!

MM: What do you want?!

GG: "I do fondue!"

MM: It's Gary. Should I let him in?

RR: Of course! Open the door! (Gary Gouda rushes in, panting and exhausted)

GG: Raven! They're coming! They know about it! We're in trouble.

RR: (looking around, in a panic) Ok, meeting dismissed! You all can leave now! (starts pushing people out) Mozzarella, help them out. (MM escorts people offstage and back to the audience.)

MM: Bye-bye.

RR: (once they others are gone) What do you mean they know about it?! How on earth could they know about it?!

GG: Turns out the first delivery went to the..

RR: To who? To who?!!

GG: It went to the Cheese Police!

RR: (to MM): How did you let that happen?! Oh, now you're gonna pay! Rough him up, Mozzarella! Now you'll find out why they call him the Mozzarella Monster! Hahahaha!! (MM ties GG to a chair)

GG: It's not my fault! I'm just in charge of making the pizza! I made sure the fake cheese got on there!

RR: Well, good! We don't need any more poor cheesaholics suffering in this world! So, how much do they know?

GG: They said the pizza tasted weird! I told you to use more vegetable enzymes!

RR: Like you know more about cheese than a cheeseaholic?! Mozzarella Monster, bring out the aerosolized cheese!

GG: No, no, not the aerosolized cheese!

RR: That's right, Gary Gouda. Cheese in a can!

GG: No, no! Not cheese in a can!! It's a crime against cheese!!!

[Chiquita jumps onto the set with Cheese Police officers and Dr. Parmesian in labcoat, carrying a beaker following.]

Chiquita: Look, they kidnapped poor Gary Gouda!

GG: That's right, officers. I'm just a poor victim!

[Brie works to untie Gouda while Rocky swordfights RR. Chiquita tries to capture MM in a butterfly net. Once GG is free he finds a sword and starts fighting Rocky to protect RR. Dr. P. walks all around the set collecting samples and going "Yum".]

Dr. P.: Yum

GG: (to Rocky, and as he battles): En garde! I will fight to liberate my champion, the Ravioli Raven, as I will fight for the liberation of all cheese!

[Dr. P. collected "samples" from Chiquita's legs and she shoos him away.]

Chiquita: Dr. Parmesian! There's no cheese on me!

Dr. Parmesian: (chases Chiquita around) Yum!

Chiquita: Gary Gouda - you double-crossing cheesenapper! Wait until Mario's sister-in-law's nephew hears about this! You're gonna get fired!

Brie: (Blows trumpet. Everyone freezes) Ok, Cheeseheads! Let's sing! (Places cheesehead hats on everyone, goes to keyboard and starts playing Mission Impossible Theme. Cast sings and dances):

All: Cheese is dangerous,

Watch out for it.

Cheese is dangerous

You'll enjoy it -

Way to much

Cheese for us

Way too much

Cutting..

Brie and cheddar

Gorgonzola

Roquefort, muenster,

Cambazola.

Limberger,

Neufchatel,

Swiss and

Mozzarella.

Cheese is dangerous,

We all know it.

Moderation

Or you'll blow it:

Make sure you

Eat veggies too

Grapes and fruit

Will help.

(Mario Pizzarello runs in and yells)

Mario: What in kashkaval is going on here?! (All freeze) I thought you jokers were lab testing my mozzarella?!

Dr. P.: We did. It is not cheese. Someone replaced your cheese with Elmer's Glue. (pulls Elmer's glue out of his pocket)

Mario: Gary, Chiquita - What are you doing here?

Chiquita: Gary is a terrorist! (Dr. P. continues to pick at her dress) Would you get off of me?!

Dr. P. : Yum

Mario: What?!

(James and Rocky tie up RR, GG and MM when they don't expect it.)

GG: I did it for my country! Give me naturally ripened cheese or give me glue!

RR: Oh, would you shut up, Gary! I've had enough of your sanctimonious cheese talk! Cheese is dangerous, don't you get it?!!! (RR shakes and rants and needs to be restrained. Others look at each other like "huh?")

GG: Cheese is a privilege, not a right!

Mario: (to Gary) But Gary, why? You were my sister-in-law's nephew's favorite step-brother! What are they going to think now? You're fired! (Mario gets on his cell phone and starts calling. Mouths animated conversation. Dr. P. continues to trail Chiquita. Tries GG's and RR's shirts and makes a yucky face. Goes back to Chiquita.)

Chiquita: Told ya so! Nyah nyah nyah nyah!

Gary: Choke on a cheese stick Chiquita!

Chiquita: (shocked and offended) Gary Gouda! You're just angry because I wouldn't go with you to that sheep milking festival.

Brie: That's enough, people. Mario, we've caught the culprits in this sick little cheese drama, luckily before the intestines of any unsuspecting citizens got glued up.

Rocky: Book 'em Brie, Cheese One. (looks into audience, meaningfully) Crimes against cheese. (RR, GG and MM are taken away in handcuffs. Dr. P. continues to trail Chiquita.)

ACT IV

(News studio of CNN - The Cheese News Network. Anchorwoman behind desk.)

Steve: (Deep, James Earl Jones-like voice) Welcome to the Cheese News Network.

Headline Moos - All Cheese, All the time. I'm Scott Swisscheese.

Candy: (In cow suit) And I'm Candy Cowley. Today in San Rafael, California local cheese police uncovered a massive plot to replace conventional pizza cheese with Elmer's glue.

Steve: Members of the radical cheese liberationist group "Cheese out of Wrap" also known as COW, conspired with a rogue group of Cheesaholics Anonymous members to create a sticky situation for Bay Area pizza lovers. As luck would have it, the first delivery went to San Rafael Cheese Police

(Chiquita Cheddar as a Reporter interviews Gary Gouda in handcuffs. Holds microphone to his mouth.)

GG: (yelling) There's no such thing as a cheese problem. There are just people with problems who eat cheese!

Rocky: (hauling him away) Yeah, yeah, sure, buddy - whatever you say.

Candy: In other news. Today there was body found in a Novato housing complex surrounded by grated cheese. Could this be the work of a serial killer?

Scott: I don't think so, Candy.

Candy: How do you know?

Scott: He left cheese. If it were a serial killer he would have left milk and bananas.

(ba dump bump!)

(Chiquita Cheddar enters with her microphone)

(Voice offstage as CC interviews cheese police officers, RR and various pieces of cheese): Candy: Curious, Incisive, Contagious, Enthusiastic, Relentless and Indefatigably CHEESY! She's Chiquita Cheddar!

Chiquita: See my new weekly news show on CNN every Wednesday night : Cheese Secrets of the Stars!

(Cast comes out in costume and vogues audience, freezes. Chiquita goes up to them one by one as spotlight hits them for their line.)

Brie: What first got me interested in Manchego cheese was Peter Sellers in the movie "The Bobo". He orders a manchego cheese sandwich when looking for his big break as the singing blue matador. Que sabor! (freezes)

Chiquita: Ravioli Raven, I hear you are now fully rehabilitated and teaching artisan cheese making in area public schools.

RR: By World War II, cheese production in Wales had nearly ceased; run out of business by large cheese making factories in England. Fortunately for us, there has been a revival of old ways by a new generation of cheese makers. Now we're teaching these same cheese-making techniques to elementary and middle school kids. One of their favorites is Red Dragon. This smooth, firm, tasty Cheddar is made with Welsh brown ale and mustard seeds!

Chiquita: Dr. Parmesian, what do you say to the recent allegations of corruption at the San Rafael police cheese lab?

Dr. P.: Limburger is stinky - but tasty! Yum! (chases after Chiquita with butterfly net)

Chiquita: Mario Pizzarello, you have just opened a new pizzeria and cheese boutique by the Mt. Lassen Mini-Mart. What can we expect from this latest venture?

Mario: The family of Provolone cheeses ranges from small ball-shaped pieces to huge hundred pound salamis. As with mozzarella, the curd is pulled and twisted until the appropriate texture and consistency is reached.

MM: My pet chinchilla, Joey LOVES it when I add feta cheese to his chinchilla chow!

Chiquita: Gary Gouda, since your release you have founded the controversial non-profit organization "Habitat for Havarti". Why so much focus on one cheese variety?

GG: Who could not be moved by one of the epic stories of cheese making, the story of the beleaguered Dutch settlers in Prussia who, pining away for the Gouda of their native land, set out to make some of their own. Supply chains were not then what they are now, and so they were forced to attempt a recreation. Unfortunately for them, but fortunately for us, one cannot make Danish Gouda in a damp, moldy Prussian cellar.

Rocky: I don't care if people raise goats for cheese, but you can't do it in a public parking lot!

Chiquita: You heard it here first, folks. For the hottest, cheesiest late-breaking cheese news, tune into CNN - All Cheese, All the time.

(Cast points cameras at audience and in unison)

All: Say CHEESE! (flash cameras)

(Ending music and bows.)

END.

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