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BARMALEY ! A Russian Tale of Piracy, Cannibalism
and Redemption By Cornelius Chukovsky Translated, adapted and scripted by Alfia
Wallace
Performed by the Siberian Tiger
Players of San Rafael
Cast: Narrator/Dr. Owithurtz: Alfred
Wallace Mommy: Eva Dedier Tanya: Jenifer Katz Ivan: Andrew Wallace Ticklish Hippo: Eva Dedier Gorilla1/Crocodile: Dylan Bondy Mark the Shark: Jerry Katz Barmaley: Nicholas Whitehead Barmaley’s Dragoons:
Sets pieces: Rhino for riding (small table),
pool of water, Palm trees, cardboard pyramids, Dr. Owithurtz’s airplane,
campfire
Props: Shells, rocks, figs, pineapple,
rope, cauldron, large wooden soupspoon
ACT I:
[Set:
Living room with parets snoozing on the couch.]
Chorus:
Listen kids, now listen up! You don’t want to get eaten up! So watch out if you travel far - and don’t run off
to Zanzibar! Zanzibar is full of sharks, Leopards prowling after
dark, Hippos, apes and crocodiles, full of sharp and hungry
smiles They would love to nibble you, bite your toes and munch
your shoes. So listen up kids, listen hard – and don’t run off
to Zanzibar!
Narrator
1: Away in far-off Zanzibar, there lives
a scoundrel knave His favorite snack is CHILDREN! His name is BARMALYEY! He runs around in Zanzibar with greedy,
drooling jaws That pirate wants to GET YOU – he lives
by his own laws.
And Daddy-dear and Mommy-dear are lounging
in the den And Daddy-dear and Mommy-dear will
tell you yet again.
Mommy: Zanzibar is scary. Oh yes, yes, yes.
Daddy:
Zanzibar could be hairy. Oh yes, yes, yes.
Mommy:
You might want to choose another location for your
junior year abroad, dear.
Narrator: But Daddy-dear and Mommy-dear snoozed
off one evening dark And Tanya and Ivan ran off – to far-off
Zanzibar!
Tanya
and Ivan: Zanzibar! Zanzibar! We’re going to
Zanzibar! We’re going to Zanzibar!
Narrator: So they arrived in Zanzibar and explored
all around.
Tanya: Oh, yum – wild figs! Excellent! Try
these… Yum…
Ivan: Oh yeah, well I just found wild pineapples!
And coconuts! Excellent!
Tanya: Zanzibar rocks…
Ivan: Zanzibar is wicked awesome.
Narrator: They saddled up a rhino and took a
ride around
Tanya: ZANZIBAR RULES!!!!
Ivan:
Let’s play ring toss on his horn.
[Gorilla
enters. Pool of water, seas
shells indicating the beach.]
Tanya: Cool!
Gorilla: Hey kids!
Ivan: Oh wow, a gorilla. Hey, gorilla-man, what’s happening?
Tanya: A talking gorilla – only in Zanzibar…
[Shark
jumps out of the water next to Gorilla.
Tanya and Ivan jump back. Gorilla
chuckles.]
Gorilla: Meet Mark the Shark from Zanzi-Beach See Mark the Shark’s big, shiny teeth? See Mark the Shark open up wide. Don’t you want to jump inside? [Shark
open jaws, nods yes. Tanya and
Ivan start picking up shells and rocks and lobbing them at Mark the
Shark. Gorilla runs away in terror.]
Tanya: No way! No way! Now go away! See this rock, Mark the Shark? Ivan: See these shells, Mark the Shark?
Tanya: Eat this bark, Mark the Shark! Ivan:
We’re not stupid, Mark the Shark!
[The
Shark shakes and dives back down and goes away, head down. Tanya and Ivan do a little victory dance and
then look at each other and shake their heads.]
Tanya: That was close.
Ivan: Weird…
[Hippo
comes out emerges behind pyramids.
Tanya and Ivan look around and fix their clothes.]
Narrator: So Mark the Shark dove back down and as the kids were looking round They heard a moaning, groaning sound;
a huge, loud hippo came around.
[Hippo
approaches Tanya and Ivan, holding his tummy and moaning. Tanya runs
up to him and starts rubbing and tickling his belly.
Ivan runs behind him and follows suit.]
Tanya: Who’s got a big, juicy belly? Who needs a good tickle?
Ivan:
[tickling from behind] Gotcha!
Narrator: The hippo had a bellyache and couldn’t
stand the kids’ mistake. He ran behind the pyramids and listen
up to what he did.
Hippo:
[yelling, with pyramid backdrop] Barmaley! Barmaley! Barmaley! Come on out, Barmaley! Make them pay! These horrible kids, Barmaley! Make them pay, Barmaley! Make them pay!
[Tanya
and Ivan look at the Hippo like he's nuts and laugh.]
ACT II
[Set:
Tree, campfire. A thunderclap
and terrible, rhythmic stomping. Barmaley jumps out with a sword in
his teeth and growls. Tanya
and Ivan jump back and clutch each other trembling in fear.]
Barmaley: ARRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!! I’m Eeeeeeevil and I’m Greeedy and
I Vant to Suck your Blood! I’m a pirate with a parrot with a problem
(his name is Judd) And I don’t need no marmalade, no chunky
chocolate chips. What I want to eat is different - little,
juicy, pesky KIDS!
[Tanya
and Ivan squeak and crouch lower behind the tree, quaking with fear.]
Narrator
2: His terrible eyes - flashed! His terrible teeth – they gnashed! Then he lit a terrible fire! And formed this fateful phrase.
Barmaley: KARABAS! KARABAS! I will have a feast at last!
[Barmaley
ambushes Tanya and Ivan behind the tree and they shriek as he ties a
large rope around them, tying them to the palm tree.
They beg him.]
Tanya: Oh sweet, darling Barmaley – please
don’t eat us up today!
Ivan: I want my Mommy!
Tanya: Please have mercy, Barmaley! We’ll never EVER disobey Our Mommy-dear ever again! Please let us go and be our friend. We’ll give you tea and cookies then!
Barmaley:
[laughing] NO WAY!!!!
[the
sound of a small aircraft overhead and Dr. Owithurtz comes in his airplane]
Tanya:
[looking up and pointing at Dr. Owithurtz] Ivan, look! Up in the sky! Who’s that flying way up high? Oh!
It’s Doctor Owithurtz! Good
old Dr. Owithurtz!
[Dr.
Owithurtz lands behind the tree and runs up to Tanya and Ivan, giving
them a hug. Barmaley is meanwhile
stirring the cauldron over the fire. Smiling, he walks over to
Barmaley and gives him a friendly pat on the back.]
Dr.
Owithurtz: Now come on, old boy. You’re a good guy, Barmaley. Untie these kids, you joker. Let’s have a drink. What do you say?
[Barmaley
looks at him like he’s nuts and tosses him into the fire.]
Barmaley: ARGGGGHHHHH!!!
Dr.
Owithurtz: [jumping in the campfire] Ow, it hurts! Ow, it hurts! Ow, it hurts!
[Tanya
and Ivan cry bitter tears as Dr. Owithurtz hops in the fire and Barmaley
laughs.]
ACT III
[As
scene opens Barmaley (or one of his dragoons) is tying Dr. Owithurtz
to the tree with Tanya and Ivan.
Gorilla and Crocodile enter.]
Narrator:
And from beyond the sandy dunes, sinking
mile after mile Came a repentant ape with an enormous
crocodile.
[Barmaley
is not paying attention. He
is cutting up fruits and vegetables and throwing them in the cauldron
and sharpening his knives.]
Dr.
Owithurtz: Hey Croc man! Over here!
Come on! Hurry up! Swallow up that Barmaley before he
gobbles up these kids! Don’t let him get them! Come on!
[Crocodile
sneaks behind Barmaley and gestures to the audience to be quiet.]
Narrator:
The Crocodile sneaked on up and gave
a toothy smile. And then he swallowed Barmaley – just
like a pesky fly! [Gorilla
unties Dr. Owithurtz, Tanya and Ivan and they jump up and down and dance
and rejoice.]
Tanya:
You saved us! You saved us – from that
monster vile! You’re such a good, sweet, darling,
and cutie crocodile!
[Tanya
hugs and kisses the crocodile. Ivan
gives the Gorilla a high five.] Narrator: But deep inside the crock’s big belly
– it is dark and damp. Barmaley was groaning there – and trying
to get out!
Barmaley:
[under Crock’s costume] Let me out! I’ll be good! Don’t digest my hams! Spit me out and I’ll become As gentle as a lamb.
Tanya: Aw, poor guy. [To the audience] Should we give him another chance?
Maybe he’ll be swell! And if he really mends his ways, we
can bring him back to San Rafael!
[Crocodile
rears his head and Barmaley emerges from his costume.]
Barmaley:
[jolly] I’m so happy – I feel swell! I am going to San Rafael!
[Does
a little dance with Tanya and Ivan.]
I’ll change my ways because I’m no
fool - I’ll bake some brownies for Dixie School! I’ll give them away to everyone and put on pirate shows for fun!
And for Tanya and for Ivan I’ll make a special treat. I’ll become a vegetarian And train Guide Dogs on the street.
My parrot Judd will learn to sing For old folks in a sling. And then we’ll tutor children In swordplay and sailing. [sings] Because I’m a rehabilitated cannibaaaaaal!
All:
[sing, in a chorus line] Yes, he’s a rehabilitated cannibaaaaaaaal! |